Closed Letter: Masturbation is Butter. Do you like butter?

All your friends talk about butter, how much they crave it, how they feel when they eat a good toast with butter.

They describe its texture, feeling, butteriness, and give you detailed accounts of the last time they had butter.

Of course butter is great, it definitely tastes nice, but to think about it constantly?

Yes.

When I wake up every morning, I immediately smear butter all over my toast. I then smear it all over my arms and legs, until I am, as they say, all buttered up. I then walk out my door and fall down the stairs.

I wake up… I am in the hospital… I am surrounded by loved ones and told that I only have a few days to live. What do I do? I want to do something important, like dedicate my last few days to helping the homeless or the poor.

Maybe write some revolutionary poetry. But instead I sit there, with broken limbs, smearing myself with butter.

I can’t stop.

Ok this is all metaphor… Help, I can’t stop masturbating!